


Even If It's Cruel

by Spacepolitician



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Anal Sex, Angst, Canon Compliant, Emotional Sex, M/M, Oral Sex, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, Porn with Feelings, Sentimental, Smut, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-22
Updated: 2019-08-22
Packaged: 2020-10-01 17:14:17
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,466
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20347129
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Spacepolitician/pseuds/Spacepolitician
Summary: Tomorrow, they will venture to retake Wall Maria. Tonight, Levi wonders if the ocean is as blue as Erwin's eyes.The funny thing about all of this nonsensical sentimentalism is that Levi knows Erwin doesn’t love him. Hell, Levi isn’t entirely sure that Erwin is capable of romantic love, or any kind of love, really. But that has never been a problem for Levi. Erwin may not love him, but Erwinunderstandshim. Their relationship has always been based on precisely that: understanding. The fact that Levi is, after all, in love with him is trivial.





	Even If It's Cruel

**Author's Note:**

> Hi. This is a story about Levi drinking some beer, spending the night with Erwin before retaking Wall Maria, and getting extremely sentimental about it. Just wanted to write about Levi being vulnerable, but in his own way. Hope you enjoy it!
> 
> WARNING: This happens during _Chapter 72: Night of the Battle to Retake the Wall_ of the manga, or _Season 3, Episode 12_ of the anime. So beware of spoilers. Also, while this fanfiction doesn't spoil anything beyond that directly, it strongly foreshadows events that happen during the retaking of Wall Maria, but nothing after the battle.

“It’s a salt lake so big that merchants could spend their whole lives extracting the salt, and there’d still be more! You don’t believe me, do you? After we retake Wall Maria, after humanity is freed, you’ll see, Eren! You’ll see the ocean is real!”

Crouched behind the wall, Levi looks down at the dirty stone pavement between his feet. On the other side of the wall, Armin rhapsodises on to his friends about mountains of ice and liquid fires and hot yellow sands. Then, it’s Eren’s playful laughter that fills the air, and then Mikasa’s low voice that Levi can’t quite figure out. These brats sure are noisy. And their chatter is loud and irritating enough that even Levi cannot ignore the pulse of hope in it. The three remind him of Isabel and Farlan and it almost makes him smile before he actually remembers Isabel and Farlan: mangled, in pieces, _dead_. And tomorrow, Levi is going to risk, once again, sending these kids to the same hell.

Levi gives a huff and shakes his head. If he is sitting there reminiscing over the dead and eavesdropping on a teenager’s nonsense about some shitty pond, he has probably had far too much to drink. He presses his palms to his thighs and pushes himself up, heading back into the headquarters building.

The mission to retake Wall Maria will be momentous: their loss or success will change the path of humanity’s future. But amidst all the uncertainty, one thing is definite, and that is the fact that soldiers will die. It’s only a matter of how many and which ones. And this time, Levi — strangely, absurdly, uncharacteristically — fears the death of a certain brilliant, stubborn soldier.

He finds himself standing in front of a familiar eight-panel mahogany door. He knows that he doesn’t have to knock, but he does anyway.

“Come in.”

Levi pushes the gold-coloured handle and enters, closing the door behind him.

It’s a familiar view: Erwin is sitting at his desk with papers and maps spread in front of him, his coat placed neatly on the back of his chair. What’s _not _familiar — will never be — is the right sleeve of his white shirt that is hanging on his side, loose and empty. Erwin looks up, bright-eyed and all.

“Levi,” he greets, smiling.

“You didn’t come to the party,” Levi says, darting his eyes away from the sleeve.

“I’m sorry, I have to finish these before tomorrow.” Erwin apologetically nods at the stack of papers in front of him. “You’re not here to dissuade me from going out in the field tomorrow.”

“You know I never argue the same case twice.” Leaning his shoulders against the wall with his arms crossed, Levi raises an unimpressed brow. “And it’s too late to call it off anyway. All the meat is already gone.”

Erwin laughs and it sounds so free and genuine that it irritates Levi. It irritates him that if the bastard gets himself killed tomorrow, he will be remembered as the perfect golden machine of a commander that Levi knows he isn’t. Erwin is far from perfect, but that _goddamn _laugh…

“I see,” Erwin says with a huge grin. “I just thought you were too upset with me to come and visit me tonight.”

“Don’t get me wrong, I _am _upset with you,” Levi replies dryly. “So upset, in fact, that I could choke you to death with your own entrails.”

Erwin laughs again and _fuck_, he is handsome when he laughs. It reminds Levi of the first time they met, in the Underground. There was a captivating sheen to everything about Erwin, as though the sun was reflecting off of his words, and the way he walked, and his oh-so-blue eyes, even down there, where there was no sunlight. Levi had never been so threatened by a single man, never wanted to shove his knife in anyone’s throat so desperately, never known he could be persuaded to trust someone he despised so bitterly.

“Is that why you’re here, then?” Erwin arches a playful brow. “To gut and choke me?”

“No, I’m here to fuck.”

Erwin’s grin widens at Levi’s straightforwardness. “That’s a much more agreeable proposition.”

“Leave that, then.” Levi nods towards Erwin’s paperwork and meets his eyes. “Come here.”

It may not be Levi’s place to order Erwin around, probably not Levi’s place to question his judgement, certainly not Levi’s place to love him as much as he does. But Levi is going to do all of that anyway, because perhaps Erwin was born to be obeyed, but Erwin is also selfish, twisted, and far less respectable than people realise.

And more importantly, because when Erwin puts his pen down and walks over to him, all that matters is closing the gap between their bodies. So, Levi moves first, raising his left hand to the back of Erwin’s neck and pushing himself up on his toes. Erwin places his hand against the wall beside Levi’s head, lowering his neck, obediently, to be kissed. And Levi does kiss him, pressing their lips together gently, feeling ridiculous in his stomach. Erwin follows his lead, he always does. Levi wants it rough and Erwin is leaving bruises. He wants it gentle, and Erwin is pecking his skin like he’s made of butterfly wings.

When Levi’s toes begin to hurt, he breaks away from the kiss and settles down onto his feet. Dragging Erwin’s neck down with him, Levi scowls. “What do you think I am, a fucking ballerino?”

Erwin smiles against his lips and kisses him again, on the side of his mouth, the hollow of his cheek, below his ear. Levi sighs, and allows his lids to close at the gentle flutter of lips against his skin.

“To be honest, it kinda weirds me out to sleep with a man who’s probably gonna be in a grave by this time tomorrow. That is, _if _there’s anything left of you to dump in a grave,” Levi drawls, fingers softly drawing lines on the back of Erwin’s neck, and Erwin kisses him on his temple. “But lucky for you, I’m drunk enough to turn a blind eye on that.”

Erwin doesn’t stop kissing him. His breath is warm against Levi’s ear. “Humanity’s Strongest Soldier has no faith in me,” Erwin hums in good humour.

Levi opens his mouth. He hates that ridiculous title. He tangles his fingers in Erwin’s hair and yanks him back, enough to see his face. “I wouldn’t put up with your shit for six years if I had no faith in you, dumbass.”

But Levi knows that the dumbass is already well aware of this. He takes Erwin’s lower lip between his teeth and sucks, wishing that he could shut down his brain for a bloody second and just enjoy this. Erwin kisses him back deeply, as though reading Levi’s thoughts and deciding to put him out of his misery.

He wraps his arm around Levi’s waist, pulling him close, and Levi _feels _the absence of his other arm around him. Levi used to roll his eyes at the way Erwin always locked one arm around him — as though trying to keep him from slipping away — and ran his other hand up and down his back — as if trying to soothe the tension that was more or less an invariable feature of Levi. Now, Erwin has to choose between holding him and soothing him. And Levi can’t help but to feel enraged at the thought of Erwin no longer having even that choice.

Levi’s grasp in the soft blond hair tightens and he tugs to tilt Erwin’s head for a better access to his mouth. The brush of his lips is suddenly desperate, taking in as much of Erwin as he can, breathing as little as possible. He is half aware that he is keeping his right arm to his side, as though participating in some morbid game of playing fair.

Levi remembers the first couple of times they did this; remembers being tense as a stick, too on the edge, not ready to let his guard down and trust someone to touch him. He remembers how he used to glance at his knife on the nightstand and estimate how long it would take to reach it while Erwin took him apart gently and generously, kissing him until Levi forgot that he was lying in someone else’s bed, unarmed. Levi remembers being concerned about the other man’s physical strength, realising that he would have a difficult time overpowering a man twice his size and just as well-trained as himself. Remembers holding Erwin for the first time after he lost his right arm, and immediately noticing that overpowering the Commander now would be much easier — _easy _— for him.

Not that Erwin has ever given him any reason to feel threatened when they are alone. Still, it’s a gruesome joke that Levi knows even if Erwin does try to hurt him now, Levi will not be able to fight back with his full strength. Because he doesn’t need his full strength to fight Erwin, and because he can’t help remembering how pale Erwin had looked when he was brought back to the headquarters with only one arm attached to his body; how the bed sheets had been covered in blood and how the stains just _wouldn’t _go away no matter how many times he washed and washed and washed them.

And _fuck_, why is he thinking about any of that when he’s kissing Erwin like it hurts not to; when Erwin is in his arms, right here, at least for another night, at least for now? Why is he shivering like his spine is made of ice?

Erwin pulls back gently and he is too tall for Levi to chase his lips. “You’re acting strange,” Erwin says softly.

“Shut up.” Levi hates that contained look of concern in Erwin’s eyes.

“What’s wrong?”

“For fuck’s sake, I’m so sick of hearing you talk.”

“Levi—”

“_Erwin_, not now,” Levi lowers his gaze. “Please.”

The funny thing about all of this nonsensical sentimentalism is that Levi knows Erwin doesn’t love him. Hell, Levi isn’t entirely sure that Erwin is _capable _of romantic love, or any kind of love, really. But that has never been a problem for Levi. Erwin may not love him, but Erwin _understands _him. Their relationship has always been based on precisely that: understanding. The fact that Levi is, after all, in love with him is trivial.

For a moment, Erwin’s eyebrows cloud his eyes, and his lips part as though he wants to say something. But Erwin _understands_, so he closes his lips with a small sigh. He, then, chooses to soothe, so Levi does the holding for him, locking both arms around his torso and pressing his face into Erwin’s chest as Erwin rubs gentle circles on the back of his shoulders. _I’m not a fucking child_, Levi wants to yell, because it’s really quite condescending the way Erwin rubs his back. But it feels good — really good — so Levi keeps his mouth shut.

“You smell like cheap beer,” Erwin says with his chin on top on Levi’s head.

“Stop sniffing me like a dog, then,” Levi snaps, rolling his eyes.

“It’s bizarre, you usually smell like soap,” Erwin continues and Levi can hear him grin. “Or blood, or dirt, or horse shit.”

“Oh, so sorry that saving your worthless ass requires me to get my hands dirty,” Levi sputters dryly, but his lips curl up slightly against Erwin’s shirt.

“Hm, I’m pretty sure it wasn’t just your hands.”

“Erwin Smith,” Levi snarls dangerously, “When your head is bitten off tomorrow, I’ll be there to spit on your grave.” He lifts his head to glare at him in a way that would make his subordinates wet their pants.

Erwin, though, knows Levi too well to be affected by his deadly glares. “That works for me,” he replies, smiling.

Levi rolls his eyes again, but when Erwin leans down to kiss him, his lips part immediately. Erwin’s tongue caresses his gently. It tastes clean, and Levi sucks on it, pushes his own tongue into Erwin’s mouth, roaming around, trying to transfer the taste of horrible alcohol out of spite. Erwin’s large hand roams down his shoulders, pausing to rub the small of his back before dropping further, squeezing Levi’s ass.

Levi moans quietly against Erwin’s chin, pressing a kiss there and another on his jaw. His hands curl on the back of Erwin’s shirt and untuck it. Without removing his lips from Erwin’s neck, Levi begins to unfasten the buttons of his shirt until all of the pale sculpted torso is revealed. Levi pulls back slightly to look, one palm placed on Erwin’s chest and the other on his hip. Erwin looks absurdly strong and it’s almost a reassuring sight if Levi can forget that the man had almost died only recently and tomorrow—

“You look cute with flushed cheeks.”

Levi lifts eyes to a grinning face above him and feels the heat in his cheeks. _Smug bastard_. Levi digs his fingers into Erwin’s hard muscles.

“Fuck, Erwin, shut _up_,” he says peevishly. “You’re making my dick go soft.”

Erwin laughs before pressing a quick kiss on his lips. “It’s all right, I can fix that.”

And before Levi can say anything, Erwin drops down to his knees slowly, dragging his hand down Levi’s chest and stomach until he reaches his belt. Levi doesn’t complain. Erwin makes it look easy — the way he tugs his belt open with a single hand, unfastens his button, and opens the zipper. Levi knows it’s not easy. Out of curiosity, Levi has once attempted to dress and undress himself using only his left hand. He has ended up giving up angry and frustrated and gaining a greater appreciation for his dominant hand.

Levi watches, waiting for Erwin to pull down his trousers. Erwin, however, leans in to firmly press his lips to Levi’s bulge over his underwear. Levi starts, throwing his head back and hitting it on the wall with a loud bang.

Hissing in pain, he grabs Erwin’s shoulder harshly. “Don’t do unexpected shit like that!”

Erwin smirks and pulls Levi’s trousers and underwear down to his ankles. “You don’t seem to be having any problem getting hard.”

Levi kicks off his trousers along with his shoes, and holds his own bottom lip between his teeth as Erwin kisses his hip bone, then slowly dragging his mouth down to Levi’s thigh. He lingers there, kissing the skin where the double leather straps of the vertical maneuvering gear have permanently bruised two parallel stripes on Levi’s thighs. Levi’s hand softens on Erwin’s shoulder as Erwin bends further, turning his head between Levi’s legs to kiss the inside of his thigh. He then tilts his head up, and Levi jerks again when Erwin’s nose bumps up into his balls deliberately. Levi looks down as Erwin moves back very slowly, dragging the tip of his nose along the underside of Levi’s half-hard cock. Levi huffs out a short laugh at his antics.

“Aren’t you a bit too,” Levi’s voice dips into a throaty whisper, “_Indecent_ for the Commander of the Survey Corps?”

Erwin breaths over the tip, looking up from below his golden lashes. “I’m not the Commander of the Survey Corps when I’m sucking cock, Levi.”

“Bullshit,” Levi replies, holding his gaze, “You’re always the Commander of the Survey Corps. Even when you’re sucking cock.”

This gives Erwin a pause. He doesn’t move nor does he break away his gaze, but Levi catches the slight twitch of a brow on his face.

“I apologise if that’s how I’ve made you feel,” Erwin says finally, and his voice is quiet but steady. He drops his eyes, not regretfully but as though thinking. “That has never been my intention.”

It’s Levi’s turn to pause. He doesn’t plan on taking his words back when they are true, but he wonders if these sorts of things actually bother Erwin. Regardless, that conversation doesn’t belong to tonight.

“Is it your intention to put that in your mouth?” he asks, and his voice comes out far softer than he intended.

Erwin stays still for a moment longer, and Levi almost begins to worry that he has struck a wrong nerve, but then Erwin changes his hold on Levi’s hip and moves in, taking him in his mouth all at once until the tip of his nose is pressed against his groin through the coarse hair. Levi’s eyes fly open and his hips jerk forward with a gasp, unintentionally pushing his cock deeper, feeling the tip bump against the back of Erwin’s throat and incite a gag reflex. Levi immediately pulls his hips back, giving Erwin space to breath. Erwin, however, doesn’t back away. Instead, he draws in again until his lips are wrapped around the rigid hilt, trapping Levi between the wall and himself. A small moan leaves Levi as Erwin moves his warm tongue underneath his cock, licking him until Levi’s entire length is slick with saliva. He bobs his head, lingering on the tip and sucking hard before going down again in a quick motion.

“Fuck, Erwin… too fast,” Levi manages to say breathlessly. “Shit, stop... I’m gonna come too quickly! Erwin!” Levi pulls at the blond hair to drag his head back.

Erwin looks up at him with dark eyes. “So what?” he says, a few strands of hair have fallen on his forehead, his wet lips are red. “You can come again later.”

Levi swallows at his tone, panting, and glares. “I’m not 18 anymore to come at command, dickbag!”

Without breaking the gaze, Erwin sticks out his tongue and slowly — _vulgarly _— swipes it across the tip of Levi’s cock, licking the precum clean. Levi feels his knees grow dangerously weak.

Erwin’s voice is deep, low, and fatal: “Guess you’re just gonna have to try harder.”

He doesn’t wait to see Levi’s eyes widen, but swallows him down, bringing his hand between Levi’s legs to grab his balls. Levi’s eyes shut on their own, and his fingers let go of Erwin’s hair, cupping the back of his head instead. Erwin’s tongue moves, licking the side of his length before he drags back and tightens his lips around the head, circling his tongue there and sucking until Levi is whimpering helplessly against the wall. Levi does his best not to thrust into Erwin’s mouth, but his hips quiver uncontrollably at the unforgiving movements of Erwin’s tongue, and when Erwin’s fingers squeeze his balls, he cannot stop the tingling pressure that is building up in his lower abdomen.

Erwin brings his hand to the base of his cock, circles his fingers there and begins to stroke as he continues bobbing his head, sucking the rest of him. Levi curses under his breath, his fingers digging into the back of Erwin’s head. The warm knot in his stomach keeps growing until it’s about to explode. And before he knows it, his hips are pushing off the wall and his body breaks into small jerks. Letting out a low, stifled moan, he sees white shapes behind his lids as he comes hot and uncontrollable in Erwin’s mouth.

When he is back into his body, out of breath and shaking, he finds Erwin’s mouth still wrapped around his softening cock. Erwin looks up, giving Levi a look that almost frightens him.

He furrows. “What the—”

And then Erwin sucks on the tip, _hard_. Hard enough that it almost hurts, and Levi’s eyes fly impossibly wide, every hair on his body rising.

“_Hey!_”

He pulls Erwin’s head back harshly right before his own knees buckle under him. He falls to the floor against the wall with Erwin sitting on his heels between Levi’s open legs. Shocked, Levi gapes at him. The sight of Erwin’s red swollen lips is almost too much of a distraction, and Levi finds himself having a hard time approximating his voice. “What the fuck has gotten into you?!”

Erwin’s response is a heated open-mouthed kiss. He tilts his head, sucking on Levi’s lips, grazing his teeth on his tongue while he slips his hand under Levi’s shirt, pulling it up to run his palm on the stone-hard muscles of his abdomen and chest. Levi gives in, and although his heart is still slamming against his chest, he closes his eyes. Lost in Erwin’s wet, starved kisses, Levi wraps an arm around his neck, holding his head in the bend of his elbow, kissing back just as vigorously, and forgetting that his back is uncomfortably bent against the wall.

When Erwin pulls back, both of them are panting desperately for air, their parted lips hot and tingling. From this distance, Levi can see the thin scars on Erwin’s face, as well as his every long eyelash, and the pure blue of his irises engulfing his dilated pupils. It’s almost too much to take in at once, too much misplaced beauty, and Levi’s chest suddenly hurts.

“I want you, Levi,” Erwin says in a serious tone, looking deeply into his eyes. “I want all of you.”

_You already have me._ Levi knows that his breaths are trembling, that his hand is limp on Erwin’s neck, and _god _his chest hurts so much.

“Get up and get on that bed, then,” Levi manages to say. “I’ll cut my own legs off before I let you fuck me on this dirty floor.”

It’s a lie. Levi doesn’t care. He would happily let Erwin fuck him senseless on the floor. He _has _before. But right now, Levi’s throat feels tight, and he’s suddenly feeling claustrophobic, and Erwin’s eyes are not letting him breathe. He needs a moment to collect himself.

Erwin doesn’t argue. He pulls back, rising, and Levi feels every regretful fingertip separating from his skin. Erwin offers him his hand which Levi grabs and pulls himself up to his feet. Erwin holds onto his hand for a short moment, brushing his thumb against Levi’s rough knuckles before letting go and turning around to walk to the bed in the corner of his room.

Levi brushes his bangs back from his forehead, drawing in a breath and holding it for a second, feeling his heartbeat begin to calm. He, then, pulls his shirt over his head and picks up his trousers from the floor. He waits for Erwin to slip out of his clothes as well and moves over, reaching out.

“They will wrinkle,” Levi explains absently.

Erwin doesn’t ask anything. He hands Levi his clothes and lets him hang everything neatly in the closet.

With his back facing Erwin, Levi closes his eyes for a moment and breathes. He tries not to think of Isabel, or Farlan, or Mike or Petra or— _Fuck, I really shouldn’t drink_, he thinks as he rubs the back of his neck. He turns around, glancing at Erwin who is sitting on the bed, naked, and warm, and alive. Erwin looks at him, and his thick brows are slightly furrowed with concern. Levi knows that Erwin is keeping himself from making a futile attempt at saying comforting words to Levi and Levi is grateful for it. He suddenly wants nothing more than having Erwin’s arm around him.

So, he climbs onto the bed, drawing himself in to press his lips to Erwin’s right shoulder. Erwin raises his hand to Levi’s nape, gently caressing his neck, and kisses him above the ear. There is a softness to Erwin’s touch that has remained unmarred by war and politics. A purposeful rawness like the wild flowers that grow around tree trunks. Levi kisses his collarbone and places a knee on each side of the Commander, bringing himself onto his lap.

He leans back, raising a brow. “You’re being uncharacteristically quiet.”

“You’re attractive,” Erwin says.

Levi can’t help the snigger that leaves him. “Fuck off.”

Erwin laughs. “See?”

And both their lips are curled upwards when they kiss, dangling from a thin thread of ease.

Levi swipes his tongue over Erwin’s lips, muttering, “I thought you were going to make me come again.”

“I thought you were not interested,” Erwin replies against his lips, smiling, and adds, “Old man.”

Levi snorts and leans to his side, reaching out to open the small drawer of the nightstand, knowing exactly where to find the bottle of oil. He pours a generous amount in his palm and reaches down between them, grabbing Erwin’s hard cock. Touching Erwin, when he is this aroused, never fails to be entertaining. Levi sees how Erwin’s Adam’s apple moves as he keeps himself still. How Erwin’s chest rises and falls as Levi applies some pressure, moving his palm over his length, spreading the oil. Erwin tips his head back, and Levi uses this opportunity to kiss his throat, letting his teeth graze ever so gently over the skin.

And then he feels Erwin’s fingers wrap around his own, over his cock, and pauses. Levi is amused, every single time, by the fact that Erwin’s hand is large enough to cover his entirely, and smiles privately at the absurdity of Erwin’s size: _larger than life itself, everywhere in proportion, stupid bastard. _

He withdraws, and allows Erwin to do the rest. Erwin’s large hand comfortably wraps around both their cocks, pressing them together. His arousal is incredibly warm against Levi’s, and Levi feels himself twitch as Erwin rubs them together, stroking slowly as he watches Levi. Levi usually hates being watched by people like Erwin: entitled idiots who always gape at him in the Capital as if waiting for him to do a trick. It makes him feel as though he is a mutated sugared fruit in a dumpster.

He doesn’t mind Erwin watching him. He likes Erwin watching him. He returns his gaze through half-lidded eyes, and begins moving his hips slowly, rubbing himself on Erwin’s oiled cock, meeting the movements of his hand. Erwin watches him find his own pleasure, letting him take what he needs. And Levi does. Placing his hands on Erwin’s broad shoulders, he rolls his hips back and forth, breathing shallowly. Erwin’s pale skin is flushed under him, his hair is more disheveled than the public will ever see, and his shallow breaths are hushed with desire.

Levi brings two fingers to the Commander’s mouth and Erwin does not hesitate to part his lips, wrapping them around Levi’s digits. A muscle slides in Levi’s stomach as Erwin licks between his fingers slowly, covering them in saliva. Levi can’t help but swallow.

He slowly withdraws his fingers and brings them to his back, touching over his own rim. Without breaking the eye-contact, Levi pushes inside. He sees the small changes in Erwin’s expression: the little drop of lids, the hitch of breath. And Levi smirks, burying his fingers deeper without stopping the movement of his hips. Erwin’s grip tightens slightly as he strokes them together, and Levi feels himself beginning to get hard again. He leans forward and pressed his forehead to Erwin’s nape as he stretches himself, gasping when his fingers brush over his prostate. He feels Erwin’s breaths grow increasingly heavy under him, signaling that he is near the edge.

With his free hand, Levi reaches down to grab Erwin’s wrist, halting all movement. “Still want me?”

Erwin does not reply. He instead frees his wrist, grabs Levi’s shoulder and pushes him back slightly to catch his mouth with his, kissing him deeply. His tongue feels hot and heavy inside Levi’s mouth and Levi moans, moving his fingers faster inside himself. He, then, breaks away suddenly, pulling his fingers out and pushing Erwin back in a quick motion.

With his back against the headboard and his open knees half bent, Erwin looks up at him hungrily, beads of sweat forming above his brows. Levi draws himself forward, placing a hand on Erwin’s warm chest and the other under himself, positioning Erwin below his entrance.

He sinks down slowly, holding his breath at the stretch that plays on the edge of painful.

“Fuck,” Levi curses under his breath, tightening his jaw.

He can feel Erwin’s length grazing against his inside, opening him slowly. Levi does not stop until he is fully seated on Erwin’s hips, fully connected. Erwin’s hand moves up the side of Levi’s arm, squeezing his shoulder gently, and brushing his hair back from his face. Levi exhales, relaxing his muscles to ease the discomfort. He looks at Erwin’s flushed face and cannot stop himself from leaning into his touch. He wraps an arm around Erwin’s neck and brings their lips together as he begins to move, drawing himself up and sinking down again. He shivers at the drag of Erwin’s cock, feels so full and warm and complete. He shifts his hips slightly, so that Erwin’s tip brushes against his prostate with every thrust, dragging out small groans from his throat.

Bringing his hand down to grab Levi under his left thigh, Erwin lifts him slightly, and thrusts up, making Levi squeeze his eyes shut, whimpering in pleasure. Erwin kisses him as he pushes in again vigorously, meeting Levi’s every movement to double the intensity of each impact, leaving Levi breathless. He tensely holds his lower lip between his teeth has to place his hands on two sides of Erwin’s head on the headboard to keep himself steady. Erwin leans forward to bring their chests together, wraps his arm around Levi’s waist, and pressing his face to Levi’s damp neck, he begins to fuck him in earnest. Levi’s jaw is slack as Erwin’s thrusts speed up, the loud slap of their skins burns, and Levi can no longer stifle his moans.

“_Levi_,” Erwin groans against his neck, “I’m close.”

Levi sinks down on him roughly. “Come inside,” he replies in a broken voice.

Erwin pauses for a second, but Levi doesn’t stop, rolling his hips faster, fucking himself on his cock. He has never let Erwin release inside of him before. The idea of having to clean the semen from inside himself repulses him. But right now, as Erwin is breathless and burning hot under him, it all seems like a stolen moment, and Levi wants everything that Erwin will give.

He notices that the halt of Erwin’s movements elongates and pulls back to see his wide eyes looking at him curiously.

“I’m willing to spend an extra half an hour bathing tonight,” Levi says between quick breaths, almost smiling. “Come inside, Erwin.”

He presses his lips against the other man's, not quite kissing, and feels Erwin shiver, as though a thread that holds his body together is cut loose.

And Erwin bottoms out, fucking Levi in short stabbing motions that shake Levi’s whole body. Levi can almost hear himself pleading for more, and can almost hear Erwin moaning his name. He can almost feel his own cock flopping on Erwin’s stomach. He feels Erwin’s cock twitch inside him as Erwin’s thrusts grow frantic and fall out of rhythm. Levi’s hips almost jerk forward at the strange feeling of something hot and soft shooting up inside him and Erwin’s body shakes as his movements slow down. With his knitted brows and closed eyes, Erwin makes a desperate noise, holds tightly onto Levi’s body as he comes, slowly thrusting up through the aftershocks until Levi feels him begin to get soft.

Erwin’s head tips forward. “Levi,” he moans softly.

Levi wraps a strong hand around his own hard, neglected cock. “Don’t pull out yet,” he instructs.

Erwin lifts his eyes, panting, and gives him a smirk. “Changed your mind about coming a second time, Captain?”

But Levi is already stroking himself hard and fast, his chest rising and falling quickly. “You’re the one who told me to try harder, Commander,” he replies with as much bite as he can muster.

Erwin moves in to kiss him along the leather strap mark that runs across Levi’s chest. He licks down to a nipple, and nibbles on it gently. Levi grunts, throwing his head back and stroking faster until he feels his balls tighten and his abdomen grow numb.

“Fuck, Erwin,” he groans before his jaw drops open, his brows tightly knit, and pleasure washes over him in strong waves.

His body jerks, his toes curling and he whimpers as he leans forward, pressing his forehead to Erwin’s shoulder, shaking. Erwin holds Levi until he is breathing normally again and then shifts him to pull out. Levi jerks at the sudden emptiness, draws in a deep breath and pulls himself back, feeling the sweat-drenched tips of his hair tickle his forehead. He looks down at the white, thick streaks on Erwin’s stomach and lets out a huff.

Erwin kisses his chin, grinning. “Not bad.”

Levi decides punching Erwin would take too much energy, so he only shoots him a long, unimpressed look. Erwin chuckles and Levi hates the fact that he forgives him immediately.

“Stay here tonight?” Erwin asks.

“I have to bathe.”

“You can bathe here.”

_True_. “I have to clean my gear.”

“Oh, come on,” Erwin scoffs, “I bet you’ve already cleaned them more than once.”

_True_. “I…” _I can’t breathe when I look at you._ “Fine,” Levi mumbles, pushing himself off of Erwin and contemplating whether he should bathe immediately.

Concluding that he can rest for a few minutes, he drops down on the bed. Erwin bends over him, kissing him sweetly on the forehead before lying on his back next to him.

Levi does not delude himself about any of this. He knows that Erwin’s warmth beside him a false promise. It has always been. But this time, it will be different. Levi blames it on the alcohol, but he thinks tomorrow will be different. They have come too close to finding the answer, sacrificed too many, lived too long. If tomorrow ends in a victory for humanity, Levi, for some reason, thinks that either his neck or his heart will return in one piece.

“Levi, I’m sorry that I have never been able to give you what you have given me,” Erwin says unexpectedly.

Levi raises a brow, still looking at the gray ceiling. “What are you—”

“Since the day we met in the Underground, all I’ve ever done is put greater and greater burdens on your shoulders. It’s unfair and still, I can’t imagine achieving any of what we have without you. It sickens me that I can’t seem to regret it. Will you ever be able to forgive me?”

Levi blinks at the ceiling, feeling the soporific effect of the warm bed sheets. “Erwin, your abilities and your willingness to use them are nothing less than grotesque,” he says, drawing his eyebrows down. “But you’re also punished for them every day. So, who am I to judge you?”

Erwin turns his head towards him. “You’re diverting the conversation. I was talking about you—”

“No, you were talking about _you_,” Levi says steadily, and turns his head to the side, facing Erwin. “Whatever’s going on in that loaded head of yours, don’t get this twisted: I’ve stuck with you because I believe there are some things — important things — that only you can do.” Levi watches Erwin’s eyes, knowing that he is listening. “So, don’t ask me for forgiveness. I’ve always had as much of a choice as you did. What that amounts to, I don’t know. But it seems to me that we’re both too far gone to redeem ourselves. So just push forward to the end.” He then arches a brow. “And quit moping, self-pity really doesn’t fucking suit you.”

Silence settles between their gaze. There is a contemplative frown on Erwin’s serious face and Levi is almost tempted to kiss it away.

Erwin looks at him for a moment longer before nodding. “Thank you,” he says finally, and there is fondness in his voice, "For everything."

Levi, too, hangs on to the moment a bit longer before turning his head back towards the ceiling. “Say, Erwin," he says in a careless tone, "Do you think the ocean exists?”

“The ocean?” Erwin blinks, surprised at the sudden question. “Well, it’s certainly possible.” He tilts his head. “Why? Do you want to see it?”

“Hm, I don’t know. Apparently it’s so salty I wouldn’t even be able to water my horse in it,” Levi says dryly. “Sounds like a shitty big pond to me.”

Erwin laughs out loud, and Levi finds it comforting. “So, what would Captain Levi do after humanity is freed?”

Levi shrugs. “Who knows? My skills won’t be worth shit when the war is over,” Levi mutters. “Maybe I’ll become a farmer. Find a woman stupid enough to marry me, raise chickens with her or something.”

“Sounds lovely,” Erwin says, laughing. “I’d love to visit sometime.”

_You won’t be there._ “Sure, you’re invited.”

Levi looks over to find Erwin’s bright eyes and his wide smile, and for a moment, he wonders how it would be possible for Erwin to ever die. He knows that it's absurd — he has seen hundreds of soldiers and civilians torn apart; he knows that the war has never cared about bright minds or bright eyes. And yet, there is Erwin, the man whom Levi _knows_ will die, looking so impossible to fade away. 

“Levi, I have another favour to ask of you," he says. "If there comes a day when I, for whatever reason, fail to make the right decision on the battlefield, you are the only person I can trust to make that decision for me." Erwin pauses before adding, "Even if it's cruel.”

Levi's eyes are fixed on him. His heart is calm. “All right,” he responds.

He knows that is all he needs to say. Because Erwin may call it a 'favour', but Levi knows that it is an order. And when it comes to orders, Levi obeys.

He may not believe in Erwin's goal — he _doesn't_ — but he does believes in Erwin. He believes in Erwin enough to be willing to go down into the depths of hell at his command. Because every hideous thing about Erwin pales before the fact that he is capable. Erwin is an unlikely ally of humanity, but an ally they _need_. The only man out there who can truly lead them. So, when Erwin orders Levi to make the call when he fails to, Levi obeys. And if it comes to be cruel, so be it.

There is the sound of drunken chatter and laughter coming from outside the window. Levi looks at the dreamer who lies beside him, and wonders if the ocean is as blue as Erwin's eyes. Whether Levi will live long enough to find the answer, he doesn't know, but he knows one thing: tomorrow, he has to live. 


End file.
